Ugh. Neilson left yesterday and he’s kicking off the racing season which means we’ll only see him a couple days in the next few weeks. Goodbyes are never fun and maybe they get easier as the season progresses but we had the sweetest past month together as a family of three. which was everything we needed and more and makes it that much harder to say goodbye. The key is to stay busy!!
This week, some very fun friends from Mirth are in the south of France and we have a little shoot planned along the côte d’azur. It’s providing me all the inspiration for this week as well as play dates with new acquaintances and a belated galentines dinner.
I’m trying to exercise some new and different creative genes, but honestly what’s been keeping me sane this week has been routine. We’re finally into a routine where Charlotte wakes up, eats, sleeps, and during that time I have breakfast and get a workout in. then, she wakes up and eats and plays and sleeps and if I’ve played my cards right, I have some time to fold laundry and write or read or work on whatever project I have coming up. Maybe routine is the key to happiness?
This means I rarely leave the house before 2, but I’ve spent a lot of time dying to self in the past few months. Realizing that for now, the priority is Charlotte’s schedule and sleep. of course there are days where I put my own agenda above that so I can get out for a morning coffee or go out to dinner with friends, but the humility that motherhood has asked of me is more than I ever knew possible.
I was talking about it with Neilson the other night and my life used to be about….me. I built my days around my dancing and spent my free time cross training or winding down from long days of physical activity. Now, my days are a little less phyiscally demanding, but I don’t have union scheduled breaks every 55 min. My version of self-care is finishing the dishes early enough after dinner to take a shower and watch an episode of the office or catch up on voice messages from friends. I feel so lucky to stay home with Charlotte and prioritize taking care of her, but it goes without saying there are days when I see my friends thriving in their dance careers and I envy them. I go down the what if rabbit hole and imagine my life if it had gone another way. And then I feel guilty for having those thoughts because I love her so much.
Last week was full of hard questions and feelings that I didn’t know how to answer. I spent a lot of time thinking about the past and felt a lot of loneliness in my current season.
In a world of social media its so easy to look horizontally, comparing what I’m doing to other mothers or former coworkers. I think it makes us all more well rounded to have friends in every stage of life. These days I’m especially grateful for friends who I watched mother tiny ones. some who are now already on the other side, pursuing their own careers again, but maybe just in a completely different capacity.
And then I go to pick up my sweet Charlotte after a nap and her smile melts away all my worries. This tiny innocent human who relies on me for her every need.
I say all of this because as my friend Kimberly says, we’re all a work in progress. there is no version of myself where I have it all figured out. and I don’t need to be striving for that. There are good weeks and there are not as good weeks, and there are also bad weeks and that is okay.
on a lighter note
This week, I’ve been trying to incorporate more color into my life(lol) and shockingly, still dress like a glass of milk half the days. I mean, beige goes with everything. My pinterest board is a mix of bathroom interiors and tennis shoe outfits and bookshelves and flowers.
Neilson and I were able to go out for a belated valentines dinner at a very delicious and charming tapas style french wine bar. We tried a new sandwich spot on Saturday afternoon, and ended up staying for hours soaking in the afternoon sun. We went out with friends Sunday night to our favorite sushi place that is so cozy and quaint and feels like a Japanese spa.
For a taste of texas, I made defined dish’s sour cream enchiladas** and they hit the spot. they were even better as leftovers. On tonight’s menu for a potluck galentines dinner, I’m trying this ina garten chicken recipe and planning to make some coconut macarons for dessert.
**I can’t find the recipe online but they’re in her cookbook dinner tonight
until next week! xxf
beautifully said, & I so relate to the mix of it all! routines + a little added color may just what the doctor ordered. we miss you in Texas, but thankful you are just a phone call away!
The tulips bunches are beautiful. I feel like I undulate between craving routine and "adventure"... Both are good and needed. What race is first on Neilson's schedule?