Neilson left Sunday and both Charlotte and I were devastated to see him go. Monday, I didn’t complete a single task until after she had gone to bed. At 7:45pm when I finally had the time to try and fit in a workout, my three cups of unfinished coffee and glass of wine seemed to have stunted any motivation to do that with the remaining hours of the day. Today, she graced me with two very good naps and with that, I can survive.
I keep pushing through each day here thinking, once I get into a better schedule with Charlotte then I will have time to be productive during her naps and pursue the many business or creative ideas that float through my brain on a given day. But at the end of every day if my evaluation of productivity is based on how many of those “grown up” plans I had time to get to well, most days would be a flop.
Some days my Everest is taking a shower, or changing the sheets. And maybe doing laundry everyday and folding tiny clothes, being on top of dishes, doing my bible reading, and making it out the door to see the light of day is enough. And maybe, just maybe, it’s only me who’s placing the expectation that I’m a stay at home mom in a foreign country without family nearby and a husband who travels a lot that has time to stay on top of housework and raise a tiny human and pursue some kind of business venture for myself and exercise everyday and keep up with friends and family at nighttime when I have child free time. Maybe getting a newsletter out every week is something I should be proud of accomplishing.
I say all this not as a complaint about the hardships of motherhood, but to hold myself accountable for not setting unreasonable expectations. Reading back on what I expect of myself in a day, I realize why at the end of everyday, it feels like I haven’t accomplished anything. Of course I didn’t do all of that. But there’s a tiny little baby sleeping in the room next to me who was fed and loved, and maybe this season is just that simple and sweet, and maybe that can be enough.
My sister sent me this huffington post letter when I was pregnant with Charlotte because we live different lives in similar seasons. Having a sister to go through this phase of motherhood with has been one of the sweetest seasons of sisterhood and these letters really hit home. If you have a free moment, I highly recommend the read.
Keeping it brief this week because this has what’s been weighing on my heart, and required a lot of vulnerability to open up about. I hope if you’re in the states, wherever you may be, that you’re staying warm in frigid temps.
What you accomplished in a day is exactly what you needed to! My children are adults now but I still remember the plans I made before my daughter was born: baking, laundry, cooking, cleaning, writing letters, reading, exercising, etc., but I soon learned as you have that the best laid plans......
Being a temporarily single parent is even harder because there is no one to "take a turn" in the evenings. I think you are getting the most important chores done, and you have a beautiful, loved baby girl.
I enjoy reading about your adventures in Houston and in France, thank you so much for sharing! I also am excited about the upcoming racing and I hope Neilson has a great season!
I too struggle with finding time to address all the creativity floating through my brain. When my husband comes home at the end of the afternoon, I find my self often apologizing for not doing this or that because I place the expectation on myself that I should’ve time managed better & just maybe I could’ve gotten *everything* done. I love how you say that you kept a baby fed & loved - so true and I’ll think of that next time I have those feelings of guilt 🩷
I have an almost 4 year old (& a 7 month old) & time goes so quickly. One day I’ll be back to exercising regularly or committing to regular things, but for now my job is to love.